Friday, May 18, 2007
My Beautiful Family
Our eldest, Aletha. Someone please marry her.
Our second oldest, Edna.
Grace, the third. She has a hunch back as punishment from God so we're stuck with her.
Our Slut daughter Johannah Faith. The Lord has punished her tampon-sin with unsightly facial hair.
Jedidiah and Josiah in their new school clothes.
The Ungodly one we don't speak of and keep locked in the barn away from our wholesome home. The Lord cursed her with an extra chromosome. Its name: Whore of Babylon.
Our second oldest, Edna.
Grace, the third. She has a hunch back as punishment from God so we're stuck with her.
Our Slut daughter Johannah Faith. The Lord has punished her tampon-sin with unsightly facial hair.
Jedidiah and Josiah in their new school clothes.
The Ungodly one we don't speak of and keep locked in the barn away from our wholesome home. The Lord cursed her with an extra chromosome. Its name: Whore of Babylon.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
This evening before choir practice, my friend Cindy-Cloudy Mae and I were discussing what should be done about the mother cat who's given birth under the front porch of my parent's double-wide, and how as True Christians, it doesn't go over well with The Lord for us to own feline "companions."
Before looking to the Bible for advice, let us look at today's world itself, and what cats symbolize. For one, cats have many features similar to godless orientals, and as anyone knows, oriental people have desires for apocalyptic world domination and destruction. Kittens themselves grow up to be dishonest, independent and sneaky cats. Much like Asian children.
I really think that The Lord was giving humanity a hint when he made cats look like chinese or korean people; and we need only look to the recent VTech shootings to clarify our stance on the topic.
Next, let us consider what most scholars agree is the etymology (word derivation) for the English term 'cat'. When analyzed with the Latin 'felis cattus domesticus', the original Koine Greek is 'cur.io huma bes-tia', means 'a contemporary housecat with all of its beastly identifying characteristics and behavior.' A faithful servant of Jehovah would quickly notice that the nature of a cat is so marked as being 'beastly'. The Bible makes clear reference to this condition when describing parts of Satan's organizations, both past and present. For instance, consider the fearsome 'beasts' as described in the book of Daniel or the 'scarlet colored wild beast' in Rev. 17:3. The demons entered the swine when rebuked by Jesus showing the potential harm and malevolent spirit control to which a Christian may be potentially exposed. Lest we forget the story of Nebuchadnezzar and the condition of God's enemy when being humbled by Jehovah, the student of God's Holy word would ask - is it by accident that the Bible in the book of Daniel describes his experience as a 'beast' of the field? Hardly so!
The careful student of the Bible will acknowledge that nowhere within it is any species ('kind') of cat referred to in favorable terms. In fact, was it not lions of the first century who the Devil used to devour faithful Christians? Jehovah Himself 'stopped up the mouths of the lions' (Dan. 6:22) in Daniel's day. True, the small housecats of today are not quite lions, but being of the same accursed animal family used by God's enemies on numerous occasions throughout history, would it be wise or prudent to own one? In addition, by owing any type of cat (feline), would we not give an appearance of condoning their evil deeds throughout recorded Bible and secular history? The Bible makes clear that God's people are 'no part of this world' (John 15:19) and that we are 'not to share in the sins of others', consume lecithin within nutritive cereal or 'candy' bars, or do other things directly banned in Holy Scripture.
The demeanor of a cat is seen by many honest-hearted observers as reflecting some supernatural, unnatural proclivity towards malice or evil. And, it is a well-known fact that cats are impossible to tame, teach or raise in the truth. The cat has a rebellious, independent spirit. While the animal itself may be unaware of this tragic condition, it serves only its true master - Satan, the Devil.
The scriptures clearly indicate that neither Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, faithful Job, the Apostles, Jesus nor any other human bearing God's favor himself owned a cat. Should we simply assume that this is a mere coincidence? Surely not! This was most likely because they didn't want to be like the pagan contemporaries of their respective days who showed no regard for how God feels about owning a cat. In harmony with the pattern set by the faithful prophets and worthies of old, it would therefore not be fitting for the true Christian today to own a cat.
Tomorrow, I'm firing up the flame thrower.
Before looking to the Bible for advice, let us look at today's world itself, and what cats symbolize. For one, cats have many features similar to godless orientals, and as anyone knows, oriental people have desires for apocalyptic world domination and destruction. Kittens themselves grow up to be dishonest, independent and sneaky cats. Much like Asian children.
I really think that The Lord was giving humanity a hint when he made cats look like chinese or korean people; and we need only look to the recent VTech shootings to clarify our stance on the topic.
Next, let us consider what most scholars agree is the etymology (word derivation) for the English term 'cat'. When analyzed with the Latin 'felis cattus domesticus', the original Koine Greek is 'cur.io huma bes-tia', means 'a contemporary housecat with all of its beastly identifying characteristics and behavior.' A faithful servant of Jehovah would quickly notice that the nature of a cat is so marked as being 'beastly'. The Bible makes clear reference to this condition when describing parts of Satan's organizations, both past and present. For instance, consider the fearsome 'beasts' as described in the book of Daniel or the 'scarlet colored wild beast' in Rev. 17:3. The demons entered the swine when rebuked by Jesus showing the potential harm and malevolent spirit control to which a Christian may be potentially exposed. Lest we forget the story of Nebuchadnezzar and the condition of God's enemy when being humbled by Jehovah, the student of God's Holy word would ask - is it by accident that the Bible in the book of Daniel describes his experience as a 'beast' of the field? Hardly so!
The careful student of the Bible will acknowledge that nowhere within it is any species ('kind') of cat referred to in favorable terms. In fact, was it not lions of the first century who the Devil used to devour faithful Christians? Jehovah Himself 'stopped up the mouths of the lions' (Dan. 6:22) in Daniel's day. True, the small housecats of today are not quite lions, but being of the same accursed animal family used by God's enemies on numerous occasions throughout history, would it be wise or prudent to own one? In addition, by owing any type of cat (feline), would we not give an appearance of condoning their evil deeds throughout recorded Bible and secular history? The Bible makes clear that God's people are 'no part of this world' (John 15:19) and that we are 'not to share in the sins of others', consume lecithin within nutritive cereal or 'candy' bars, or do other things directly banned in Holy Scripture.
The demeanor of a cat is seen by many honest-hearted observers as reflecting some supernatural, unnatural proclivity towards malice or evil. And, it is a well-known fact that cats are impossible to tame, teach or raise in the truth. The cat has a rebellious, independent spirit. While the animal itself may be unaware of this tragic condition, it serves only its true master - Satan, the Devil.
The scriptures clearly indicate that neither Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, faithful Job, the Apostles, Jesus nor any other human bearing God's favor himself owned a cat. Should we simply assume that this is a mere coincidence? Surely not! This was most likely because they didn't want to be like the pagan contemporaries of their respective days who showed no regard for how God feels about owning a cat. In harmony with the pattern set by the faithful prophets and worthies of old, it would therefore not be fitting for the true Christian today to own a cat.
Tomorrow, I'm firing up the flame thrower.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Attn: Moms!
Being a mother of five boys, I really thought I would never have to encounter what I encountered today when we got home from church.
Little Jedidiah had to go make sprinkles in the toilet, so being a good Prairie Muff and not bothering my husband with the chore, mommy decided to take him herself. We went over the basic ritual for such things that I'm sure you already know: drop pants, ask God for forgiveness, potty, then ask God forgiveness again. Well, Jedidiah must have been sniffing around Johannah Faith's "seculsion spot" before church because that little mister grabbed right ahold of his sinful tallywhacker a little too seductively, sending me into a tizzy as if my home perm had caught fire!
For this sin, I had to burn the top of his hand with the iron. He'd be good to learn his lesson about such things.
Little Jedidiah had to go make sprinkles in the toilet, so being a good Prairie Muff and not bothering my husband with the chore, mommy decided to take him herself. We went over the basic ritual for such things that I'm sure you already know: drop pants, ask God for forgiveness, potty, then ask God forgiveness again. Well, Jedidiah must have been sniffing around Johannah Faith's "seculsion spot" before church because that little mister grabbed right ahold of his sinful tallywhacker a little too seductively, sending me into a tizzy as if my home perm had caught fire!
For this sin, I had to burn the top of his hand with the iron. He'd be good to learn his lesson about such things.
The Lord is my Guiding Light.
Today is the LORD'S day !Have you kept it Holy?Have you made this a sacred day for your family?Have you kept your mind bent towards Jesus in prayerful though,and your hands busy in Godly industriousness?
Have you honored your DH as the head of your household and made his weekend a pleasant vacation from the hard work week? A respite from the cares of the world?
I certainly hope you have!
Have you honored your DH as the head of your household and made his weekend a pleasant vacation from the hard work week? A respite from the cares of the world?
I certainly hope you have!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
My little Johannah Faith started her monthly issue last night. The first thing I did upon finding her soiled bloomers was slap her right across the face. I then sternly told her that SIN and SINFUL LUST bring about the Curse of Eve, and had she stayed PURE OF THOUGHT, her sacred opening wouldn't have disgraced the family with its foul emissions.
I promptly made her stuff her panties with an entire roll of two-ply Charmin and took her to the Walmart to purchase some sanitary paraphernalia. While we were walking down the dreaded isle of darkness, Johannah Faith took it upon herself to grab a box of tampons without even considering the consequences. So I slapped that filthy little harlot again (then washed away the sin with some Jergens hand sanitizer).
I grabbed the nearest box of Sanitary Pads and marched right out of that store, with Johannah Faith following with her hair in my clenched fist of fury.
When we got home, I made her hop out of the back of the pick-up (because any good Christian Homeschooling KJV-reading Fire-baptized woman knows that being in closed quarters with a Jezebel who has a sin-fest going on in her Hanes Her Way isn't Biblical) and go straight to the dog pen surrounded by razor wire and motion detectors that her father and I purchased a few years ago to prepare for this unholy happening, and stay there for a week with her sanitary pads so that she doesn't bring death and ruin upon the household.
I promptly made her stuff her panties with an entire roll of two-ply Charmin and took her to the Walmart to purchase some sanitary paraphernalia. While we were walking down the dreaded isle of darkness, Johannah Faith took it upon herself to grab a box of tampons without even considering the consequences. So I slapped that filthy little harlot again (then washed away the sin with some Jergens hand sanitizer).
I grabbed the nearest box of Sanitary Pads and marched right out of that store, with Johannah Faith following with her hair in my clenched fist of fury.
When we got home, I made her hop out of the back of the pick-up (because any good Christian Homeschooling KJV-reading Fire-baptized woman knows that being in closed quarters with a Jezebel who has a sin-fest going on in her Hanes Her Way isn't Biblical) and go straight to the dog pen surrounded by razor wire and motion detectors that her father and I purchased a few years ago to prepare for this unholy happening, and stay there for a week with her sanitary pads so that she doesn't bring death and ruin upon the household.
That will teach her to sin and lust for Satan's Cotton Fingers.
Fellow Prairie Muffs! Don't let this happen to you! Teach your daughters about how Baby Jesus weeps whenever a Christian Lady violates her hoo-hoo with one of those phallic fingers of the beast!
Here's a picture of my Johannah Faith before succumbing to the sins of the flesh:
Deuteronomy (22:13-21)
In the Bible's book of Deuteronomy it says that if a man marries a woman and then decides that he hates her, he can claim she wasn't a virgin when they married. At that point her father must prove she was a virgin. (How is not explained.) If he can't, then the woman is to be stoned to death at her father's doorstep.
Deuteronomy (22:13-21)
Today my husband put me back in my place with his sturdy right hand since I recently failed to give him his needs in the bedroom whilst being stricken with the Curse of Eve. While I cannot control when my monthly sin-time occurs, it is still not my husband's fault and he has every right to punish me thoroughly because of Eve's weakness. Remind me to pick up some more bread at the store.
Deuteronomy (22:13-21)
Today my husband put me back in my place with his sturdy right hand since I recently failed to give him his needs in the bedroom whilst being stricken with the Curse of Eve. While I cannot control when my monthly sin-time occurs, it is still not my husband's fault and he has every right to punish me thoroughly because of Eve's weakness. Remind me to pick up some more bread at the store.
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